Can I call you?

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I am almost grateful that I can sit down for a minute and pick apart our conversation. I can try to deal with the fact that things are changing in ways I didn't think they could. Part of me is relieved that I'm trying but most of me thinks that this makes me lazy, that my days don't mean as much as they used to. 

I think it's a universal understanding that when someone asks if they can call you, it's either going to be such good news that you have to hear the excitement in their voice.  Other times, they may have to soften the blow. You have to hear their voice to know that everything will be fine even if it really seems hopeless. A text wouldn't do it justice. After getting off the phone I realize that things aren't certain, and with that comes fear. The fear has always been there in the back of my mind, but I don't usually have the time to deal with it. It's accompanied by worry and hurt that seem to be amplified because I don't have any control. I'm too far away, and even if I wasn't, I can't control you anymore, if I ever could. 

As I sit and think on my bed, I realize that in all the uncertainty, there are some things that I can count on. I didn't realize that my bed could be one of those things. I know it'll be in the same place I left it this morning. Its messy sheets won't suddenly be made unless I get up and straighten them out. They'll be there, just as I left them, to welcome me back for those mid-day naps that this new free time allows. It'll be the last thing that I feel when I close my eyes. Plugging my phone into the wall, I'm tempted to lose myself in the distractions. I could be talking to you if I wanted to. But I don't even have a number to call. I think of my phone and how I have a number that people can reach me. I won't have to tell them what is going on, but there's the chance that I could. I could call out for help and someone would hear me. I won't, not yet. The list goes on of all the things that are there that I take for granted. I take for granted the pool with its keycard access. I can sit outside for hours, till the sun hides behind the houses. I can plug my nose and go as deep as five feet under the water. I take for granted the fact that I wanna go to the movies so I go and I enjoy it. I buy popcorn and sour gummy worms and recline my seat back as far as it can go. 

I think some time and space away could make it better. It could lead to clear days under sure skies. But the uncertainty is scary and it's lonely. There are no more updates for today, no reassurances that everything will go back to the way it was. No more phone calls. And I won't ask if I can call you because it's time to sleep and I'm done thinking.

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