La gringa chilena

Sometimes I can't breathe It's like I can't catch it long enough, it slips away, and I choke on my thoughts. I remember when it was effortless, where the air stretched on for miles, fresh like the trees and the weeds that listened to what I had to say. It felt like I could take my time and there was even a chance to close my eyes, to listen to the world breathing. I could move, I could run and earn every last breath. I'm stuck.

Setting: It always smelled better up there. It was clear, closer to the clouds. The mornings were snow covered, accompanied by the crisp air on my ears.  It tasted like warm bread, crunchy on the outside, but soft, steam escaping with every bite.   It felt like freedom, to look outside the window and see the city as the sun went down, and the lights turn on house by house.  It sounded like families gathered next to the stove, to feel the heat and the closeness, to sip tea and talk over each other.  It felt like home, being scolded for not wearing a coat before going out to play. It felt like home because I didn't want to leave.  Setting:  Lying down on the rocks, the water trickles down the curves of my body. It's rustic, I'll give you that. But it's beautiful, a place where I wouldn't mind staying for a few days. Solo quiero esta calma. Looking up, I see the clouds, blue and white, moving across the sky. I pray that if I slip away, que sie...

El domingo me di cuenta que sigo morena como el verano. Aunque llovio, aunque es Septiembre, it's still summertime. Sunday it rained and I cried. I cried puddles, I felt the cold on my skin. Monday, I didn't leave the house. Tuesday either. I take a break from it all. Wednesday, I decide to step outside, and it's sunshine. It's humid actually, humidity with not a cloud in sight. I listen to the music with my arm hanging out the window, waving. Sueno que voy pal mar. Y casi lo creo, solo falta la sal en el aire. Donde esta la sal! Voy al doctor, voy a terapia, casi al mar. Es Jueves. Y empiezo a trabajar, a hacer "una diferencia," y salgo brillando. El sol es casi tan fuerte como ayer. Yo estoy mas fuerte que ayer. Salgo con amigas (tengo amigas???) y les cuento mi cuento. Pero en vez de sentirme aliviada, me siento triste. Al contar las cosas malas, me doy cuenta que me danaron mucho mas de lo que pense. Que nada cambio, y que aunque ahora no pienso qu...

Fudge. I haven't been able to write for weeeeeeeks. I just want to write about break ups, but I really don't want to. My poor English teacher already had to read all about it. I've eaten my weight in mint chocolate chip ice cream and allowed myself allotted crying times. Anything else I have to say is overdone, rewritten over and over. I want to spare you, I do. But the crappy thing is, nothing else comes to mind. Ay ay ay de mi,  De este amor que se me incrusta como bala Que me ahorca y que me mata  Todo sería diferente si tú me quisieras   "  -Mon Laferte. Zombies are not romantic. Watch anything with Zombies in it.  LOOK GOOD. I copied the "homeless woman who buys giant cherry slushies and sleeps outside of your old house" look, let me repeat, it's not a good look.  Antidepressants?! Cancel plans if you gots to. I cancelled so many plans people probably think I'm a giant flake. It's okay though (kind of).  Ice cre...

Hace dias que bailo en la cocina, sin pensar en quien me veia, quien me pensaba. Hace dias que dejo que mi pelo se vuele loco entre los giros. Quiero ir a Mexico.

La agua sale, herviendo ya. Desafortunadamente clara, no quiero verme bajo de ella. Pero no hay burbujas, ni jabon. No me importa que me quema. que me hace sentirla, que me ahoga. Pero no hay suficiente agua pa eso, al menos no por hoy.  El humo aclara, todo menos el espejo. Y bajo del agua, se siente mejor Que al estar parado. \\ The steam rises, and there are no bubbles today.  But it's okay. I want to lie down, feel the water up to my neck. I want to burn.  And I do. 

Despues de tanto dormir, tanto bailar, tanto comer helado de menta y choco chips, he tratado de volver. Volver a la vida de un normal. *Supongo que para mi, eso sigue siendo pega, U, y tareas.* Pero no es facil, es rendible. Si es una palabra, q se yo. Aveces camino mi perro, aveces manejo por mi casa y sigo manejando, hasta que siento volver. Aveces me despierto a las 3:34 de la tarde, y en esas veces, no sera culpa mia, porque las noches son los dias o no? Pero lo acepto, no soy normal. Al menos, estoy cachando. Entonces trato de no juzgarme tanto, trato de tomar mas banos, y llorar cuando puedo. Bailo a musica Mexicana en mis calzoncillos. No le digas a mi mami. Me gusta cuando estoy sola en la casa. Debe darme miedo, mi calle esta llena de basura en las calles, y decoraciones de Halloween. Pero ya no tengo miedo de eso. Me gusta ese sentimiento. Me gusta exagerar, me gusta comprarme varias chaquetas, y solo usar una. Suficiente! Adios.

But honestly I miss your smile. But the stars, they outnumbered us all. And I can't stop looking up, I miss the city lights, the stars, how everything shined. But I let it go. Because I love them.