Seeking refuge in the arms of my blog

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In the midst of taking my very last online final, my wifi "timed out". After crying on the phone to my mother for a solid ten minutes, I wrote my professor a heartfelt email, explaining my predicament and the stress that now fully consumed my brain. I hope she sees that even though I did save this final for the last minute, I did it because I was studying very hard aka cramming my brain full of the information I should have been working on this entire semester. I usually never stress about school, but this semester reflects all the weeks I just didn't do anything. Just laid in bed and ate gummy worms because college has never been that thing that I put much work into. And I'm not just upset about this final and the untimely death of my wifi, I am upset that I didn't do the work to save me earlier. In completing two years of college,  I am no longer pleased with the mediocrity of my GPA. I am no longer pleased with the fact that not only do I look lazy, I am lazy, and that even though I have gotten out of my funk, there are so many things I could have done sooner. Looking at the countless missing assignments, I feel kind of bad. In my head, I have tried to tell myself that school doesn't really matter, grades don't matter. It has been my little rebellion for overachieving in my earlier years; of thinking that if I got a B the world would fall to pieces and so would I. Then I got B's, C's, D's, even an F and the world stayed the same. But now I realize that it makes me look like I don't care about my future because for a long time, I really didn't. I didn't want a future, and I didn't care if I got one, much less if I made any cash money moola. But now I understand that if I want a life that I like, a life that will give my future family a lifestyle free of a little stress by having enough, I have to try a little bit: goals, go to class, the whole thing. Since my semester is one final away from being over, I accept that my grades will be the way that they are, it is what it is.  But I feel grateful that I gained some insight, that for me the rebellion is dead because now I understand what I want. I want to raise my GPA for me, not for the deans list or because its expected. I want to do it so that I can get a really cool job, and then come home to my very hot family, and people who will eat gummy worms with me because I earned it.

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